Monday, October 19, 2009

Querida Madre.....






Hi Mom. Uhm. It's been so long since I've spoken to you. It's been 16yrs since you've been gone. I'm sorry I haven't gotten the guts to talk you. I actually can't. I'm scared. I choke up. You see, my eyes are teary now. This is why I haven't, it's time. Here it goes....

This month I hate. Since it's the month God took you away. Let me start by saying I miss you. Albert too. He still hasn't comes to grips of your lost; I've tried to console him, but it hasn't work. He's 28 now and if it hasn't helped him, guess there's nothing I could do now, or is there? He's engaged with this lovely girl. Don't worry, she treats him well and feeds him right. I haven't spoken to him in years. You know how it is.... Everyone goes on with there lives. It's sad but true.

I truly miss you. I wish you would of have been there when I need you. I still need you. I've come a long way. I'm a new person. If you saw me now, you wouldn't recognize me. I'm all grown up. I'm a women. A women who's determined to accomplish what she aspires in life. I love life and am willing to live it to the fullest! Just wish you could of been there mom. You would be so proud of me. I never gave up. I kept struggling. Kept on motivating myself. Even though I never had the support nor the motivation of my other family members, I did it on my own.

Sometimes I feel lost. I need your advise. Who is going to give it to me? Who will I turn too? I really need you near. I miss when you use to sing to me and tucked me in bed. I miss you doing my hair, picking out my clothes. I still eat M&M because they were you favorite. I remember you saying that " always eat the green one last, because they'll give you good luck". I still do. I have tons of pictures of you, Albert and I. I look at them time to time whenever I feel the nostalgia. But I always look at them on October, this month, because it's when the thought of you crosses my mind the most.

Hey mom? You know what I regret me not doing? Track & Field like you did back in high school and college. I should of. I'm fast, you know I am. Wish I appeared in the paper like you. I know if you were alive, you would of motivated me to do so. It sucks because when God took you awake, I felt like I was dreaming. "It can't be!" I was in shock. In such a shock, I came to grips with it when I was 17 and started to sob like if it just happened then. I need help. It was a miracle the thought of suicide didn't pop up, because, seriously, I don't remember my Adolescence years at all. Abuela says I use to be in my room for long periods of time.

How am I doing now? Well......guess I'll have to tell you another time. It's a long story. I have lots to say. It's been a journey. Lots of ups and downs, but all know is, I'm aiming high and I know when I tell you, you'll be so proud to know how I stand now and the person who've I become......




To Be Continued.....



4 comments:

Restless Mind said...

Oh sweetie... I had a lump in my throat when I read this. You must be through a lot. You inspire me by remaining strong. I'm here for you.

My Life and Your Not In It said...

I know how much you miss her Cheila. You've grown so much. I am 100% sure she will be proud and satisfied of the women you've become. You've accomplished so much on your own. No support or a hand from you family back in Puerto Rico.

I am glad your are part of our lives. You're the best, sincere, person I have ever met. XOX

eQ said...

Very personal and deep. It always feels better to get stuff out in written (err, typed) word. Smile, she's always around :)

RdGarnet said...

Thanks guys! You are all supportive :) XOX